Unfortunately Fortunate

If you're like me (or anyone else who hasn't been living under a rock for the past 29+ years) you've undoubtedly had one or 300 annoying experiences not unlike the one I'm about to mention.

Stew and I were heading back yesterday from a quickie weekend road trip to Willis, TX . We spent a good 3 1/2 hours buying some things everything at the Houston Ikea, so once we made it as far as Beaumont, TX, we were dying for some grub. Where else do you stop for food on a 6 hour road trip other than the culinary wonder that is Jack in the Box? So we waited for what seemed like FOREVER in line to order our grease-laden burger combos, whining the whole time about how friggin' long it was taking and "How hard is it to slather mayo on a friggin' bun and slap it together haphazardly and half-wrap it in some paper and throw it in a paper bag and dump the friggin' french fries upside down and toss the whole mess at us through the drive-up window?" And "Seriously, your fast food restaurant is out of COKE? That's like the Vatican being out of holy water!"

That being said, honestly, the whole inconvenience took us about 2-3 minutes longer than it should have and then we headed back to I-10 East. When we got about a mile from the Rayne, LA exit, we came upon the most horrific accident I've ever seen. A Ford F250 headed westbound had crossed the median, hit an 18-wheeler, spun out and flipped about 15 feet in the air, landed on a Ford Ranger that was travelling eastbound and then flipped some more and landed about 10 feet off the right lane on the eastbound side. We arrived no more than 2-3 minutes after this had taken place. Before the cops and firetrucks and ambulances. Before they discovered that the F250 driver was ejected from his truck, dragged underneath another vehicle and killed. Before they discovered that the driver of the Ranger had been crushed by the F250 and killed. Before the victims were cleared off the ground and put in body bags. Before they searched the roadside for missing body parts.

The wreckage was everywhere. Debris and personal belongings blanketed a good 300 yards of the road. A single boot was lying 3 feet in front of us. Another shoe was underneath a car tire ahead. We were the first vehicle stopped behind the caution tape and were parked there for the 3 hour delay while the place was swarmed with cops and paramedics and firemen. We had a front row view of the whole thing. It was graphic and tragic to see. Had we been 2-3 minutes earlier we would have barely seen that F250 as it landed on top of us. The Ranger that was crushed by the F250 was unrecognizable. The F250's cab was crumpled like paper. The roof was opened up like a Chinese takeout container.

Next time you experience frustration at that incompetent fast food worker, or that moron that cuts you off and makes you catch the red light...realize that maybe God puts them in your path for a reason. 2-3 minutes could make all the difference.

Spanxgiving

Oh yeah, you read that right. And yes, I totally am thankful for Spanx. If only they would make a pair that included a trap door so you could pee without becoming an amateur Cirque du Soleil contortionist while trying to hike them back up into position in a cramped bathroom stall. TMI? Good, that's what I was aiming for.

Other stuff for which I am thankful:

My Folks who love me 110% (and not because I'm the one who will eventually choose their nursing home).

My Broseph and Brotherford B. Hayes who are far more musically and artistically talented than I could ever hope to be.

My Abbey Sunshine who eased my fear of young children and is always excited to see me despite the fact that I fed her limes as a baby just to see the awkward faces she made in reaction to the sourness.

My Puppy McMuffin who regretfully knows more about me than anyone, and hasn't yet reported me to PETA for making him wear fake boobs for Halloween.

My In-Laws and Extended Family - for not being those crazy people who I can't stand spending time with and instead being those crazy people I LOVE spending time with.

My Friends who will let me snot on their shoulders when I'm sad, then make fun of me for it later.

My Husband who puts the "ew" in Stewzie, who I fall in love with more every day, who still can't figure out how to separate whites and darks, who makes phenomenal chocolate chip cookies and even shares one or two with me, and who has seen me at my best and my worst, but always loves me like I've never been better.

Decongested

So, for the past, I don't know, LOTS OF DAYS, I've been suffering from a little known strain of the influenza virus known as the WHINE FLU. Actually, you could say Stew is the one truly suffering.

During my week-long Nyquil-induced haze, I've done the following:

1. Dyed my hair auburn.
2. Purchased a Sam's Club membership and 3 pound container of Feta cheese.
3. Worn a Suzie-sized indentation in my sofa.
4. Cleared out my whole library of DVR recordings, including Top Chef, Project Runway, Biography of Freddie Mercury, and 16 consecutive "To Catch a Predator" episodes.
5. Cried because the bacon soap I tried to purchase as a stocking stuffer for Stew was out of stock.

Clearly Nyquil makes me insane. Which is one of the perks of being sick. Insanity now comes with an excuse.

Sorry for the lack of a Questionnaire Friday! posting. And thanks for all the positive feedback on this here blog-o-mine.

Sanity will return soon. Maybe.

Phlegm is a funny word

Hey kids. Have you ever snoughed? It's when your head is so jacked up on Nyquil that it tries to cough and sneeze simultaniously. It's also what I've been doing all day.

Also, I'm pretty sure I just coughed up Osama bin Laden. So that's where he's been hiding this whole time.

Do me a favor and don't tell Homeland Security I've been harboring a bearded terrorist in my lungs. And fix me some chicken noodle soup.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

As if I needed another reason to be in love with Stew's family

Here's a transcript (by memory) of a voicemail I received a few days ago from Stew's Aunt Ruthie (Hi Aunt Ruthie!):



"Hey Suzie, so I'm sitting here in my car stuck behind a train. It's next to a cow pasture so I rolled down my window and started mooing at them really loud and one actually turned around and started walking toward me. I figure there's a good story in there for your blog."



Yes, Aunt Ruthie, and an udderly hilarious story at that.

Questionnaire Friday!

Where is your Father?
Alphebetizing his extensive collection of tiny hotel shampoo bottles, shower caps, and emergency sewing kits. Then later making an Excel spreadsheet for inventory purposes. (Hi Dad!)

What is the closest orange object to you?
I have an economy-sized box of orange ear plugs on my desk...

Did you cry because Michael Jackson died?
YeeHee...and I dried my tears with a single sequined glove...YeeHee...

What does your 9th message on your phone say?
Our defense has scored 2 more touchdowns than the Browns' offense this year. Who Dat!

Look to your left. What's there?
Everything I own in a box to the left...

How long does it take you to fall asleep?
I'm sorry, what was the question? I must have just nodded off for a second...

What other language do you want to be fluent in?
This one.

Do you crack your neck often?
I can't get out of bed in the morning until I crack my neck, back, elbows, wrists, fingers, ankles, toes and hips. I sound like an arthritic bowl of Rice Krispies...

What's your current favorite commercial?
This one.

Name something you think is pointless?
A guy with no hands...

Did you have a weird dream last night?
I was on a cruise ship that resembled my Granny's living room and somebody kidnapped my dog and held him in a Ford Explorer and he (Austin) was calling out my name but the kidnapper shut him up by feeding him potatoes au gratin and then I got off the ship and was at someone's cabin on the bayou and I went swimming in the crystal clear bayou water and a 40 foot wave came and almost killed me and then I was in a cave and there was a porta potty and I had to pee so I went in and someone had thrown up fruity pebbles all over it and I was angry then I was back in my Granny's living room cruise ship and I put on sweatpants and then Stew woke me up at 4:00 a.m. to kiss me goodbye before he went hunting. So, to answer your question - nope, just an average, run of the mill dream for me...

Should guys wear pink?
They certainly should. It gives me something to ridicule. And then we can go to lunch and get mani-pedis. And gossip about Justin Timberlake.

Seriously.

These photos were taken on a roof we repaired after Hurricane Katrina.

They obviously needed HEEP. Or is it HLEP? In spelling, I assume.