Thursday, October 29, 2009

Questionnaire Friday!

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
I was in the shower. The blue one. Singing loudly. Show tunes. Jazz Hands!

2. Who are you in love with?
Stewart Sir Alexander von Sexypants Alexis. And also the other love of my life, Austin Whisker Biscuits Alexis.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Can’t say that I have. But if I did, it would surely be wrapped in bacon.

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
There is my previous post about the pink bunny suit. Does that count? Because it’s VERY pink.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
Right after I over-applied black eyeliner, threw on my skull and crossbones hoodie, painted my nails onyx, and had my mom drop me off so I could meet my other emo friends at Hot Topic.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
Neither socks nor shoes. At work. Hang on, OSHA is on the other line.

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
That’s debatable. Black Betty is worth diamonds and gold to me. Kelley Blue Book disagrees. Just over 2 grand for trade-in value. Close to 3 grand for private party value.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
I went to our hunting camp in Miz-sippi about a month ago. But technically Stew drove. Cause of me having a tiny woman brain and all.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Ugh, no. And I’m dying to see Saw 6. Cause now after spending a good 10 hours of my life watching Saws 1-5, I figure I’m emotionally and financially invested.

10. Are you hot?
Not right now. Thanks to the cool front reported by Bob Breck. And his hair. His glossy, silvery, Lloyd Christmas hair. Take a moment of silence, please.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
An iced grande dark roast with skim milk and one Sweet-n-Low. Not because I’m pretentious though. Because you have to speak Barista slang in order for them to get your stupid coffee order right. Plus, we were out of Folgers at the office.

12. What are you wearing right now?
The same outfit as in question 5. Because my mom is picking me up in the mini van later. She better give me my allowance so I can get some Sbarro at the food court.

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
I usually let the rain wash it. But I highly recommend taking your neurotic dog along in the back seat when you go thru the car wash. It’s a hoot.

14. Last food that you ate?
A bacon wrapped crayon.

15. Where were you last week at this time?
I was in the shower. The blue one. Rapping to Snoop Dogg. One, two, three and to the Fo.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Don’t worry Stew, no pink bunny suits. Yet.

17. When is the last time you ran?
While walking the dog 2 days ago. He pooped on someone’s driveway and we needed to make ourselves scarce. Fast.

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Saints vs. Dolphins. Black and Gold Superbowl, baybee! Life’s a Brees!

19. What is your favorite animal?
A mutilated Dolphin. See above. Almost as much as a decapitated Falcon. See Monday.

20. Your dream vacation?
Ideally, early retirement. If we’re being honest.

21. Last person's house you were in?
My own. And it smells like dried Bambi carcass. Because Stew is currently making deer jerky in the dehydrator.

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
That one time Stew play-tackled me and I fell into our entertainment center (which, at that time was composed of cinder blocks and plywood, because we’re classy like that) and I sliced my elbow open and gallons of blood squirted all over the city of University Place, WA (Hi Washington friends!) and I couldn’t lift my arm for weeks and I still have a scar and I made Stew feel really bad about it for oh, 8 years now? Don’t worry, he made sure I didn’t dent the cinder blocks.

23. Have you been in love?
Well, I do love Stew. And Austin. And lamp.

24. What makes you laugh?
When my dog burps. When my mom refers to M.C. Hammer as McHammer. Christopher Walken. And this website:

25. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Duct tape and death threats. With a confident smile.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pink Nightmare

RUN, don't walk to your nearest Target for the ultimate Christmas gift. To quote Ralphie's dad, "It looks like a deranged Easter Bunny."

That sound you hear is Austin breathing a sigh of relief that this doesn't come in dog size XXL. It's also the sound of Stew praying to sweet Baby Jesus in the manger that his wife doesn't get any bright ideas for stocking stuffers.

I couldn't find this on Target's website. It's likely they're too ashamed to admit that they've stooped to this level. If you're interested, it retails for $24.99. A small price to pay to humiliate your favorite loved one this holiday season.

Side Note:

WooHoo! Looks like I now have TEN, count 'em, TEN official followers.

If you read this blog and haven't yet been made an official Stewzie-ite (even if I don't know you), (but would like to), sign up and let me know you care. Cause I'm pathetic like that.

Hugs and Kisses,


Sleep Deprivation

Him: What's up, babe?

Me: Ugh, I didn't get to take a single nap today or yesterday.

Him: Maybe you should file a complaint with the Department of Weekends.

Friday, October 23, 2009

This is the official kickoff to what will now be referred to as QUESTIONNAIRE FRIDAYS!

Why, you ask? Because I can. Plus, it gives me something to do besides work. Tedious, tedious work. Too much working involved in work, don't you think?

What are your middle names?
Mine = Leigh. His = Sir Alexander von Sexypants

Who is the oldest?
He gets the privilege of being older than me from March 16th – May 3rd. It is during this time that I tease him mercilessly about wearing Depends and breaking a hip. Somebody needs a Medic-Alert bracelet!

Did you grow up in the same city?
Mostly. He hails from the sprawling metropolis of Metairie and I spent my youth representing Da Ridge (by the river).

How long have you been together?
Good grief, this answer makes me feel as old as he is during the dates mentioned above, but here goes. We “officially” started dating on July 3rd, 1998. So according to my stellar math skills….uh…carry the 1…a little over 11 years.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Probably mine. Mostly because they are in the same age range as us. Nothing to do with how awesome my siblings are…I mean, have you met my brothers? (hi Jeremy! and Tim!) His are pretty awesome too…just in a much younger way.

Do you have any children together?
You had to go there, didn’t you, Mr. Evil Questionnaire. Did my mom tell you to ask this one? No kids. Just a dog. That’s a big JUST. And a big DOG.

Do you have any pets?
Why yes we do. Austin. Chocolate Lab to the Stars. If you’re lucky, there will be much a-blogging about my neurotic little Puppy McPupperson in the future.

Did you go to the same school?
Same preschool, Kindergarten, and 1st grade, yes. It’s actually where we met. Same 2nd – 9th grades, no. Same 10th – 12th grades, yes.

Who is the most sensitive?
Did I tell you about that one time I gave him a knuckle sandwich because he told me those jeans did, in fact, make my butt look big? Well, that never happened. Let this serve as a warning from Mrs. Sensitivity.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Probably his Granny’s house. Her meatballs and spaghetti could heal the lame and cause the blind man to see.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
There was that Spring Break we spent in the jungles of Africa. We taught baby chimpanzees to read and make sustainable clothing from all the leftover banana peels. It makes you feel good to see a monkey wearing a banana scarf and reading Curious George to his grandkids. We truly made a difference.

Who has the worst temper?
Here we go with the emotions again. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. I however, would lure all the homeless, desperate flies in by promising them all the free poop in the world to feast on. Then I would commence to swatting them all in one fell swoop.

Who does the cooking?
I mostly do. Sometimes it only involves defrosting and microwaving but I’M TOO TIRED TOO COOK TONIGHT. Pizza is what’s for dinner. Unless we have something to grill. Then the responsibilities are split between him and George Foreman. Don’t even get me started on who is and isn’t allowed to bake the chocolate chip cookies. He has threatened many a time to taking out a restraining order against me for daring to come near his precious Pillsburys.

Who's more social?
It’s a toss-up. I need more me (napping) time.

Who is the neat freak?
The neighbors.

Who is more stubborn?
I say him, but he would probably stubbornly disagree. With a lot of stubbornness in his voice.

Who hogs the bed?
I’m pretty sure my limbs sprout out new, multiple limbs during the night. I have no control over these foreign limbs. I blame them for all the kicking, elbowing and cover stealing.

Who wakes up earlier?
He does. I tend to play the “keep hitting the snooze button until it’s an hour later and the exasperated alarm has given up on me and now we’re late for work” game.

Where was your first date?
We never really had a first date. But on the day we started dating we went to the Spillway and he gave me a pair of his pants to wear because of all the mosquitoes. Who needs romance when there is a threat of contracting the West Nile virus? Not me. That sealed the deal.

Where was your first kiss?
On a baseball field at my company’s cabbage ball tournament. That, my friends, was indeed romantic.

Who has the bigger family?
I think I have a smaller family in order to keep track of his enormous one. He often asks me “Whose kid is that again?” It’s your brother, Stewart.

Do you get flowers often?
Sometimes when I’m at Home Depot picking up some plumbing fixtures and tile grout, I browse the outdoor section and pick up an annual or two.

How long did it take for it to get serious?
After a lifetime of knowing each other, we only dated for 3 ½ months before he asked me to be his bride.

Who eats more?
I’ll go with him. Because if I eat more he’ll say my butt looks big in those jeans. And we all know how that turns out.

Who sings better?
You don’t have to ask me twice to channel Janis Joplin and belt out a spot on performance of Bobby McGee on karaoke night. But he is the master of coming up with random lyrics around the house. Behold the wonderous composition of Stewart Mozart Alexis: Suzie Q, I love you, Now I’m gonna go take a poo. Next stop: The GRAMMY AWARDS.

Who does the laundry?
It’s a shared task. But lawd help me if he puts his whites in the dark basket one more time…

Who’s better with the computer?
He probably cares more. He enjoys de-fragging.

Who drives when you are together?
Paw Paw does. Cause of me having a tiny woman brain and all.

Who picks where you go to dinner?
I’m the dinner-picker. I like to venture into new territories, food-wise.

Who eats more sweets?
Sweetie has the sweet tooth. I’m known to gnaw on a pork chop for dessert.

Who wears the pants in the relationship?
He wears the pants. I pick out which ones.

P.S. I couldn't live without him.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


As I was searching for the microwave instructions on my Lean Cuisine frozen pizza, I noticed this little gem from the manufacturer: "Please refrigerate or discard any unused portion."

And I was planning on keeping the unused portions in between my sofa cushions in case I ever got the munchies while watching Top Chef reruns.

Next thing you know they'll tell me I shouldn't store the milk underneath my bed next to the shotgun or that it's unsafe to wash the dishes in the leftover giblet gravy from last Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Playing Dress-Up

Good news. I've secured Halloween 2009 costume #2. And since I'm a bit of a (shameless) costume connoisseur, I guarantee it will not disappoint. For disclaimer purposes, the management of this blog would like to state that this is in no way a money-back guarantee.

So, in honor of the most incredible holiday (aside from Mardi Gras, and of course Groundhog Day), I've put together a compilation here of Stewzie costumes from the past few years.

Oh, the Halloween ideas that spew from my imagination like liquid hot MAGMA from a volcano. Or raw sewage from that one time your septic system malfunctioned. You decide.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Girls, Girls, Girls...

Why is it that some chicks refer to their friends as "my girlfriend?"

Can't we all just agree to save the word "girlfriend" to refer to someone you're dating?

Because it's obvious that your friend is a girl, but now you've just confused me as to which team you're batting for.

I mean really, unless your girl friend is unfortunate-looking enough that I might confuse her for a dude, such terminology is completely unnecessary. And although I do occasionally dabble in the unnecessary (see: my blog), calling your girl friend a girlfriend is pretty much redundant pretty much.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

New Orleans spelling lesson

Him: "Babe, does VooDoo have 2 o's and 2 o's?"

Me: "You mean 4 o's?"

Him: "Whatever. Just cause you know how to spell everything."

Me: "I think what we have here is less of a spelling issue and more of a math issue."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the DEFINITION of serial murderer?

It has to start somewhere. I guess...

Well. Here it goes. My attempt at chronicling my thoughts and life experiences in an attempt to entertain the masses. Or the 3 people who might accidentally stumble upon this blog. Or at least myself. Occasionally.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, "Suzie, you need to be a writer," I'd have at least 12 dollars. And maybe some change. In no way does having a blog give me the distinguished title of "Writer," nor do I want to be considered as such. I just hope this little old blog here will in some way give me a creative outlet (yes, my writing will be mostly creative and exaggerated with very little fact thrown in, but if you know me that comes as no surprise), and do so without requiring me to keep up with nagging little deadlines. Real writers have deadlines. Deadlines give me instant anxiety.

Suggestions are welcome. And needed. The last thing I want (other than flocks of seagulls circling my head while Prince dances and sings in the background while holding a porcelain doll collection) is a boring blog. Only boring people have boring blogs, and if all my suggestions are from you, I can in turn blame the boringness on you.

Keep coming back. I promise my logic will make sense eventually.