Head Case

Dear Baby Stewzie,

I'll probably take some flack for what I'm about to say to you.  I may even offend some people.  Wouldn't be the first time.  Probably won't be the last.  But there is something I feel pretty strongly about, so I'm just going to go ahead and say it to you.

I promise I will never, EVER make you wear anything like this:

If your head gets chilly, I will outfit you in a warm hat.  If your hair gets in your eyes, I will get you a haircut.  However, call me crazy, but I'm 100% certain that you will be adorable and will not require the application of any type of restricting, hubcap-sized, faux floral headgear to enhance that adorableness. 

You'll thank me one day.

Love,
Mama

A Word from our Sponsor...

He'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone who the real baby of the family is.  He's not jealous AT ALL.

What goes down must come up

Dear Baby Stewzie,

Today is a good day. Wanna know why? I have now gone an entire week without puking. Thank you for easing up on me. Your mama is not a very pleasant puker to be around. Just ask your father. Or maybe just take my word for it. Want to know the coolest thing I puked over the span of the last 3 months of multiple daily pukes? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. Why? Because I'm your mother, that's why. Chewy Sweet Tarts. It looked like tie-dyed puke. A work of abstract art, if you will. I apologize if those last few sentences embarrass you some day. I have a way of using sentences to embarrass people I love. Just ask your father. Or maybe just take my word for it.

So now that I have moved on from using every ounce of energy I have to keep from vomiting up my spleen, I plan to use all that leftover energy to do something productive. Like napping writing embarrassing sentences to you. I never would have thought that 3 months of nonstop nausea would be the most awesome 3 months of my life, but they have been. Did I mention the time I barfed in the drive-thru of Krispy Kreme? Yeah, that was fun. Not the part where I had to apologize to the cashier who witnessed me in action, but the part where I knew that all of this unwanted barfing was happening because YOU. ARE. REAL.

Love,
Mama

Louisiana Iris

Finally blooming nearly a year after being planted.

One of the many reasons springtime makes me smile.

Itching for Revenge

Retaliation. For THIS. You knew it was coming.
So did Lisa, I guess, but she probably wasn't predicting...



CRABS IN HER BUSH !!!!!!

My original plan was to get a big bag of little fake rubber dog poos and scatter them all over her yard, sidewalk, porch, car, etc. But they don't sell fake rubber dog poo anymore. So I settled on a big bag-o-crabs.



And because I'm an equal-opportunity crabber, I gave them a little case of mail crabs as well.



Neighborhood Wars: They're highly contagious.

Stewisms

Stew: What's the name of that egg casserole thing you make?

Me: It's called a frittata.

Stew: Like Nelly Frittata?

Me: Eggsactly.

Revenge of the Turds

Remember THIS post?

Yeah, well I got home from work a couple days ago and found this in my front yard:

First reaction? The pooping dog sign reads my blog!

Actual first reaction? Lisa committed Grand Theft Yard Sign.

Turns out my instinct was correct. Mostly.

My sneaky friend Lisa did in fact deface decorate my property with that awful pooping dog sign, but the sign was obtained completely legally. She didn't steal it from around the corner. She bought it. Which says a lot about my friends. They'll stoop to the level of spending their hard-earned money on useless crap (pun intended) just to give me a good laugh.

Now I just have to come up with a plan of revenge. One that rivals The Great Toilet-Papering of 2009 (in which i used toilet paper that Lisa bought me...because I'm ruthless)...

Lisa, consider yourself warned. Muahahahahaha....

Seriously

Is having a painted wooden yard sign depicting a dog taking a dump in your yard... THAT much more appealing than risking having a dog take an actual dump in your yard?

Is it bad that I really want to go get one of those fake little rubber dog poos and place it smack underneath that atrocious yard sign? Just for fun?

Buttah Face

Some folks have the Virgin Mary appear in the burn marks of their grilled cheese.

Some folks have seen the face of Jesus in their dental x-rays.

Some folks notice the image of Mickey Mouse in the spots on a cow.

Some folks find a potato chip that resembles Elvis Presley.

As for me? Homer Simpson just made a cameo in my newly opened tub of Country Crock Butter.

D'oh!

Feeling guilty

For eating nothing but a big bowl of Bluebell Homemade Vanilla ice cream for lunch today.

Doppelganger

Austin vs. South Park Cow...

Am I the only one who thinks the similarity is striking?

The hips don't lie

Last night, Abbey spent the night at Uncle Stew and Suze's house so her very lucky father could go do this:

Yes, that is a real Superbowl XLIV ring and THE Superbowl XLIV Lombardi Trophy.

Points to Jeremy for showing some restraint, as I would have been weeping sweet black and gold tears of joy and also hugging that trophy as if it were Drew Brees himself. (Earmuffs, Stew. You don't need to listen to that part. Plus, I hear Brees is a big fan of earmuffs.)

Anyway, back to Abbey.

We were watching cartoons and I got up to go get her some juice from the kitchen. As I'm walking across the living room, she tells me "Hey Suze, I like the way your butt moves side to side when you walk."

Maybe I'm the one who should wear the earmuffs.

This stop sign brought to you by Joey Lawrence from "Blossom"

The Austin Chronicles - Part 5

It's no secret that my dog is a serial snuggler. He's not allowed on our new sofa, and he's not allowed on our bed. This has caused him to become quite resourceful. Most of the time I'll find him in the corner curled up with something he dragged out of a closet to use as a makeshift blanket. Nothing is safe. My 5x7 area rug, the Christmas tree skirt, my Snuggie, Stew's old Air Force uniforms, a duffel bag, dirty (or clean) laundry...all have fallen victim.

The latest:


That pile of old egg crates came from the guest bed. I didn't even have time to throw them away before Snugglepants swooped in and got cozy. He could teach a bird a thing or two about nest making.

On the glass and contents thereof

You've heard it before.

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who think the glass is half-full, and those who think the glass is half-empty.

Wrong.

There is another type of person. Me. Given the situation at hand, I think we need to re-evaluate the size of the glass. If the water only fills it halfway, get a smaller glass. Then the glass is full.

Problem solved.

Better than mascara

Last night, after reading Abbey (the 3 3/4-year-old niece) a bedtime story:

Abbey: Suze, why do you have eyelashes? (Yes, she calls me Suze, not AUNT Suzie, or even AUNT Suze)

Me: Same reason you do, I guess. (As you can see, creative explanations are my strong suit)

Abbey: Yeah, but why are yours so long and pretty?

And then my heart melted into a big puddle on top of The Tale of Pinocchio.

My 2nd Annual 29th Birthday

Today. May 3rd. Marks the date of my birth. Thirty years ago. THIRTY. Three whole decades.

I was asked this weekend if I was dreading the big 3-0. To tell you the truth, I haven't been. And I'm not freaking out now that I am. Officially. THAT age.

Honestly, 25 was the age that really hit me. In the face. Hard. I was at the grocery store buying candles for my own birthday cake (which is depressing in and of itself). Not sure if you've ever noticed, but birthday candles come in packs of 24. I was 25. Which meant I needed 2 packs of candles. FORTY EIGHT candles. I had graduated to the same candle bracket as a 48-year-old. Gone were the carefree days of simply one pack of candles! Also gone were the days of someone else taking care of the birthday candle buying, but that's a whole different issue.

Later on that year, I saw a billboard advertising the 25th Anniversary of Popeye's. Great, now I'm the same age as fried chicken.

It probably didn't help that at age 25, I was a few steps behind where I thought I'd be at that age. Sure, I had scored an awesome husband, but I still hadn't completed college or bought a house. I thought I'd surely have done both by then. After a whole quarter century! Then Katrina came and well, nothing really throws your life plans off track like a natural disaster.

Here's the good news. I made it to 30. And I'm happy about what I've accomplished thus far. Here's a recap of the past decade of me:

2000 - dropped out of LSU, planned my wedding, married the one and only Stewart Alexis

2001 - moved to Washington, lived on a military base, bought AUSTIN, bought AUSTIN a new $3,000 leg, cried when AUSTIN ate the whole roll of film that documented Stewzie's first year as a married couple

2002 - bought Black Betty, was voted Employee of the Year, moved back to Louisiana, readjusted to heat and humidity

2003 to 2004 - worked, saved, had my purse stolen by crackheads, missed Stew a lot (he worked offshore)

2005 - went back to college, paid for it myself, continued working full time, turned 25 along with a 2 piece, white meat, spicy, with a side of dirty rice, a biscuit and a red drink, got Katrina'd, lived in Arkansas for a month with 9 dogs and a whole mess of people, came back home and removed my neighbors' carport from our backyard, got a new job

2006 - went back to college (again), got a 4.0, kept working, paid off Black Betty, became an Aunt

2007 - kept my 4.0 streak alive, started househunting, kept working full time

2008 - bought a house, renovated it every night for 9 months, kept my job, my husband and my GPA but lost my sanity, EARNED my degree and finally graduated

2009 - learned to relax, thanked my husband, went public with my snoball love affair, started Stewzie

2010 - had a crazy dream that the Saints won the Super Bowl, realized it wasn't just a dream, dressed like a toothless hillbilly not once but twice, then turned THIRTY

Whew.

This is just a tiny percentage of the ups, downs, and in betweens of the past 10 years. If you are the one who created the above, good or bad, THANK YOU, I am truly blessed. If you have been a part of any of the above, good or bad, THANK YOU. If you weren't a part of any of the above, THANK YOU, because you're reading this now and that means you're a part of today. My 2nd Annual 29th Birthday. The first day of the rest of my life.


"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty." - Robert Frost

I'm just sayin'

Chipotle: It's chi-pote-lay. NOT chi-pole-tay.

That's all for now...