Seriously

This here is Stew's deodorant (pronounced de-odor-ahntay).

That's right. CLINICAL protection. It makes me laugh every time I read it. My mind conjures up images of imaginary Deodorant Clinics, where poor, malodorous men can go to seek advanced medical treatment for excessive armpit sweating.

Feeling like a boob

You know how sometimes you make a run to Target to buy a tube of nipple cream for your best friend who just gave birth and while you're there at Target holding the nipple cream you run into your old volleyball coach who you haven't seen in 12 years and then you quickly have to blurt out an excuse for why you're holding a tube of NIPPLE CREAM?

What? You don't?

Oh. Me either.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Heavy on the compliments

After I swiftly and successfully diffused yet another phone call from an eager telemarketer trying to talk my boss into buying whatever it was said salesman was selling, my boss declared, "Suzie, you are worth your weight in GOLD!"

Most would take this as an encouraging comment and MOVE ON.

I am not most.

Thanks to the magic of Google, I determined that the current value of GOLD! is right around $1,226.28 per ounce. Throw in my killer math skills, and you get $19,620.48 per pound. Now, if we go by my "official" weight (you know, the one on my driver's license), that puts my worth in the ballpark of 2.7 MILLION dollars. This is a rather large ballpark, mind you, so my true weight, like the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, shall remain a mystery.

Now back to Suzie's value, as expressed in terms of precious metal.

If only the boss could figure out how to use Google, he'd tell me I'm worth my weight in a far more feasible metallic, like used aluminum cans or recycled paper clips.

Making sense-us of the census

The company I work for is operated out of a large office in my boss's house. This morning, the doorbell rang, and here's a snippet of what happened next:

Me: Can I help you?

Census Guy: I need to get some information from you for the 2010 Census.

Me: I only work here, I don't live here, but I know all the info about who resides here, so if that's okay...

Census Dude: Sure.

Me: My boss's name is Michael.

Census Idiot: M-I-C-H- what was his name again?

...Funny, I would have assumed short-term memory would be a necessary job requirement...

Me: (Blank stare) Here, I'll just spell it out. M-I-C-H-A-E-L. His son Christopher also lives here.

Census Moron: C-R- how do you spell that? And is he a biological son?

...Apparently knowledge of how to spell one of the most common names in America is also not a required skill...

Me: (Taking a deep breath) C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H-E-R. And yeah, biological.

Census Numbskull: What is Michael's ethnicity?

Me: White.

Census Fool: And Christopher's?

...Nor is simple deductive reasoning...

Me: (Banging my head against the wall) Well, if Michael is white and Christopher is his biological son, then...Never mind. Forgive me. You're a census-taker, not a Harvard-educated Sociologist. How silly of me! White.

Stereotypical Government Employee: And can I get your name?

Me: (Spelling my name VERY. SLOWLY.) Wait, you just wrote down that I live here full time. I don't. I just work here. Let me give you my addre-

Complete waste of time: -Oh, I doesn't really matter what I put down on here. Thanks. Bye.

...I couldn't make this up if I tried. The CENSUS-taker, who gets paid to collect information for the CENSUS, actually just told me that the information he puts on the CENSUS is not important to the outcome of the CENSUS...

Me: (Picking jaw up off the floor) Right. Good luck in your pursuits of gathering useless data!

Better than mascara

Last night, after reading Abbey (the 3 3/4-year-old niece) a bedtime story:

Abbey: Suze, why do you have eyelashes? (Yes, she calls me Suze, not AUNT Suzie, or even AUNT Suze)

Me: Same reason you do, I guess. (As you can see, creative explanations are my strong suit)

Abbey: Yeah, but why are yours so long and pretty?

And then my heart melted into a big puddle on top of The Tale of Pinocchio.

Leanna Marie

Dear Mom,

One day, when I'm in charge, I'm going to make 2 separate Mother's Days. One for all the regular, run-of the-mill mothers, and another just for YOU. Also, one day, when I'm in charge, I'm going to choose your nursing home. But that's another story for another day.

Your favorite child daughter,

Suzannah Leigh

p.s.

This makes me think of you:

The Parent

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,

And that's what parents were created for.

-Ogden Nash (who is coincidentally my favorite poet, thanks to you)

SnoBloggery

#7 - Batman's

This was my first Batman's snoball that wasn't Chocolate. They have such a yummy chocolate that I never wanted to mess with a good thing. This time I tried Kiwi. The flavor was so-so. My advice - stick with their chocolate. It's a good thing.

However, if you're feeling adventurous:

Suzie de Mayo

Turning THIRTY comes with perks. Especially if you happen to be me.

It started out on Saturday with a mani-pedi at Serenity Day Spa with Lisa. Lisa had a bit of trouble controlling her bubbles. I had a bit of trouble controlling my laughter...

Then Stew brought me to our surprise dinner destination at Domenica @ The Roosevelt Hotel. I have no pictures of us from that night because I only had my iPhone camera on me and honestly I didn't want to risk handing it over to a stranger to take our picture...

After dinner we strolled down Canal Street and stumbled on this brass band playing a little impromptu concert on the corner. One of those "only in New Orleans" moments...

On Sunday it rained. All day. And I stayed home and pouted. All day. Gimme a break...

On Monday, my actual birthday, my mom stopped by my office to take me out for Thai food and bring me these lovely purple tulips...

I particularly appreciated the message on the card. Apparently, when she turned 30, her older brother sent her flowers with the same thing written on the card - so she was just carrying on the tradition...

I love that my mom found these and thought of me. What can I say, the woman nose me...

I even got my very own copy of the classic...

Special thanks to the City of New Orleans for this thoughtful gift...

That night, Stew and I hung out at the house and had dinner (grilled shrimp & veggies and charbroiled oysters) with Jonathan and Lisa. Tim, Gabby, Linda, Charles, and Katie stopped by also. (Hi Jonathan, Lisa, Tim, Gabby, Linda, Charles and Katie!) They surprised my with this rad cake-like concoction...

More specifically, brownies in a heart-shaped pan topped with 2 tie-dye balloons that say 3-0 and a citrus basil tealight candle. PERFECT! I'm soooo not the regular cake type.

On Tuesday, I was told (vaguely) that we were meeting at Amelia and Jeff's house after work to "do something" for my birthday. I showed up to find a (surprise) birthday fiesta for me...

The best part of the evening was this...

Linda had put together 5 little glass bowls. They were labeled "Thirty things I love about Suzie" & "Thirty things Suzie is grateful for over the past 30 years" & "Thirty things to look forward to in the next 30 years" & "Thirty inventions Suzie will be grateful for in the next 30 years" & my personal fave "Thirty things Suzie will never have to do again (THANK GOD)". Each bowl contained 30 little slips of paper that fit into each category. Periodically (in between bites of chips & homemade salsa), I'd go over, grab a little slip of paper, and read those little gems of wisdom.

I spent the rest of the night crying, cracking up, and everything in between. An example of why:

Suzie takes action. She found a weave in her shower in South Graham (dorm at LSU) and moved clear across campus!

Suzie can out-write Chris Rose any day of the week!

Suzie is married (so it doesn't matter if my boyfriends drool over her)!

The ladies: Linda, Betsey, Katie, Amelia, Me...

The gentlemen: Jeff (Amelia's), Stew (Suzie's), Jack (Betsey's), and Jeff (Katie's). Not pictured are Charles (Linda's) and Jonathan & Lisa (who left early cause Lisa's about to give birth any day)...

Lisa got in some last minute baby feeding practice with Baby June (Jeff & Katie's)...

Then showed off her new profile...

Let me just say this. I cannot imagine my life without all of these people. My first 30 years with them were *ahem* memorable to say the least. I can't wait to see what the next 30 have in store for us!

My 2nd Annual 29th Birthday

Today. May 3rd. Marks the date of my birth. Thirty years ago. THIRTY. Three whole decades.

I was asked this weekend if I was dreading the big 3-0. To tell you the truth, I haven't been. And I'm not freaking out now that I am. Officially. THAT age.

Honestly, 25 was the age that really hit me. In the face. Hard. I was at the grocery store buying candles for my own birthday cake (which is depressing in and of itself). Not sure if you've ever noticed, but birthday candles come in packs of 24. I was 25. Which meant I needed 2 packs of candles. FORTY EIGHT candles. I had graduated to the same candle bracket as a 48-year-old. Gone were the carefree days of simply one pack of candles! Also gone were the days of someone else taking care of the birthday candle buying, but that's a whole different issue.

Later on that year, I saw a billboard advertising the 25th Anniversary of Popeye's. Great, now I'm the same age as fried chicken.

It probably didn't help that at age 25, I was a few steps behind where I thought I'd be at that age. Sure, I had scored an awesome husband, but I still hadn't completed college or bought a house. I thought I'd surely have done both by then. After a whole quarter century! Then Katrina came and well, nothing really throws your life plans off track like a natural disaster.

Here's the good news. I made it to 30. And I'm happy about what I've accomplished thus far. Here's a recap of the past decade of me:

2000 - dropped out of LSU, planned my wedding, married the one and only Stewart Alexis

2001 - moved to Washington, lived on a military base, bought AUSTIN, bought AUSTIN a new $3,000 leg, cried when AUSTIN ate the whole roll of film that documented Stewzie's first year as a married couple

2002 - bought Black Betty, was voted Employee of the Year, moved back to Louisiana, readjusted to heat and humidity

2003 to 2004 - worked, saved, had my purse stolen by crackheads, missed Stew a lot (he worked offshore)

2005 - went back to college, paid for it myself, continued working full time, turned 25 along with a 2 piece, white meat, spicy, with a side of dirty rice, a biscuit and a red drink, got Katrina'd, lived in Arkansas for a month with 9 dogs and a whole mess of people, came back home and removed my neighbors' carport from our backyard, got a new job

2006 - went back to college (again), got a 4.0, kept working, paid off Black Betty, became an Aunt

2007 - kept my 4.0 streak alive, started househunting, kept working full time

2008 - bought a house, renovated it every night for 9 months, kept my job, my husband and my GPA but lost my sanity, EARNED my degree and finally graduated

2009 - learned to relax, thanked my husband, went public with my snoball love affair, started Stewzie

2010 - had a crazy dream that the Saints won the Super Bowl, realized it wasn't just a dream, dressed like a toothless hillbilly not once but twice, then turned THIRTY

Whew.

This is just a tiny percentage of the ups, downs, and in betweens of the past 10 years. If you are the one who created the above, good or bad, THANK YOU, I am truly blessed. If you have been a part of any of the above, good or bad, THANK YOU. If you weren't a part of any of the above, THANK YOU, because you're reading this now and that means you're a part of today. My 2nd Annual 29th Birthday. The first day of the rest of my life.


"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty." - Robert Frost